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17 February 2010 @ 09:51 pm
i'm going to kill someone. either myself or my stepdad if i don;t get out of this house within this month. i'm not joking. i have two interviews for full time jobs next week in northampton. i cant wait. i really want to move back and be with my family and peter. since my mum died this isn't my home anymore. martyn's made that clear as day. i'm in his way of happiness. So i'll get out the way, hope it doesn't kill me. if i get as close as i did a few weeks ago that night he brought his new girlfriend round, i dont think i can stop myself from cutting my wrists instead of my hand. i'm not all here since mum. she took an important part of me with her and the rest of me just wants to go be with her. i feel like my life here should have ended ages ago. my soul's moved on and it's just my body left behind. the body cant surive without the soul. I'm sorry to all my friends here reading this but there's nothing anyone can do to help me. i'll either be able to move on and continue to live or i will not. you've all helped as much as anyone can so please don't feel bad or regret anything if anything happens. if i get this job it will increase my chances of surviving by alot. If i don't, it will properly be signing my own death warrent. either way, by the end of next week i'll know whether i want to live or not.  
Current Mood: stressedstressed
Tori: Never a good time to say goodbyevita_candeo on February 17th, 2010 11:47 pm (UTC)
**hugs** Please don't actually follow through with it. I know times can be bad, and shity, and hard, and everything just FUBAR, but think of it this way: when everything sucks, it means things can only get better. I hope you get the new job, and I really do, but please don't kill yourself if you don't. You're a wonderful person, very talented, and would be sorely missed.
Susan: Hugsuekay_87 on February 18th, 2010 12:24 am (UTC)
Please don't let your mind go to these dark places.

Always remember your life won't always be as bad as it is now, and remember how incredibly strong you are. Not a lot of people can cope when one bad thing happens after another. Would your mum want you to do this? I don't think she would.

So live as best you can, think of all the good things still to come. Someone very close to me tried to kill herself...six months later after being discharged from hospital she met her husband...if she'd succeeded, that would never have happened.

If you need to talk, my email is suekay87@gmail.com and if you want to hear a friendly voice, I can give you my number.

So please, don't give up.
yours truly: house: house/wilsonemsana on February 18th, 2010 12:33 pm (UTC)
I'm not very good with helping with problems but all I can say is I'm so sorry that things having become this difficult for you.

I can only really reiterate what others have said - you are such a wonderful person, please, please don't let yourself go down this road. I do hope you get the job and are able to move back with your family but if you don't please don't let it be a deciding factor.

I cannot possibly begin to comprehend how you are feeling right now but please hang on in there. *hugs*
My virtual identity: General: Fractals 1arlessiar on February 25th, 2010 09:27 pm (UTC)
I just read older entries on my friendlist and found this entry of yours, and now I'm very scared and worried about you!! Are you alright? I know from experience that mere words don't mean much when one's in the middle of a depressive phase, they're just like empty shells on the beach that you simply ignore even though you'd collect them on other days. But I'll say it anyway: Don't give up! Many situations seems bad or hopeless and I know how it feels when people tell you that it will get better - you just don't believe it. But then it's actually getting better again and you suddenly realise that and will be glad that you were strong enough to make it through the dark days. So please, don't give up!! The job situation, your Mum, not feeling welcome where you live right now, that's incredibly difficult to bear, but I really hope things will improve for you soon, so that you can be happy again one day! Please tell me that you're ok!!

Take care,