Wow ok, been a while since ive updated. basically...im still alive... :P
Life is a bit hectic at mo. only got wifi. im not on livejournal much at all anymore. if you want message me your facebook.

hey all. just to say i'm still alive.  surpised you still have me on your friends list lol :) not much has happened since my last post and i'm not really on livejournal much anymore. i've completely fall out with my step dad. no chance to make up, that side of my family is over with. going up tomorrow to clear out my stuff. Living with my sister at the moment. got a job interview on monday that's looking good.

Hope everyone is well.

XXX

I'm in paradise or at least what i would want it to be like. The sea air is really good for me and the peacefulness of the island is something i used to love about west bay and mundsley. it's weird when you walk into the pub and everyone knows your name. we leave our laptops in the staff canteen and know that they're safe. it takes some getting use to. the beaches are full of shells of every colour and type. there are rocks i can climb over and little bays of water hidden between. When i walk up the top of the hill at night to get to my room i find myself turning off my torch and just starring up at the sea of stars in the sky. guesney is 3 miles aways and there is barely any little at night on the island so the stars are so clear and bright and so many! I took a walk along the beach today after work and it brought back memories of my childhood holidays, walking for hours on the beach watching the sunset. Every moment i'm here i'm haunted by one thought, Mum would have loved it here. She would have been lining our pockets with shells and rocks she found, she would have tried to find out every bit of history and had us walking up the cliff with her and taking pictures of every bird and flower she came across. I get my love of the sea and the coast from her and she would have had us coming back here every year. she would have fallen in love like i have and would have never wanted to leave.

Done my last shift at work :) I fly out on Thursday.

How is everyone doing?

hi guys. thanks for all your kind words and help. i'm back my trip to northampton. I'm feeling alot better at the mo. it helped to see my nephews and my sister and get the closeness i really needed from someone. the job interview didnt go well but me and my brother are looking at a job on a holiday place that sounds like heaven. I'm just taking each day as it comes at the moment. the problem is that my emotions keep going up and down, one minute i'm fine the next i'm depressed again. i just need to keep myself busy at the moment and just not stop to think about anything.
Thanks again all. You've really helped this last week knowing they are people out there who care.

i'm going to kill someone. either myself or my stepdad if i don;t get out of this house within this month. i'm not joking. i have two interviews for full time jobs next week in northampton. i cant wait. i really want to move back and be with my family and peter. since my mum died this isn't my home anymore. martyn's made that clear as day. i'm in his way of happiness. So i'll get out the way, hope it doesn't kill me. if i get as close as i did a few weeks ago that night he brought his new girlfriend round, i dont think i can stop myself from cutting my wrists instead of my hand. i'm not all here since mum. she took an important part of me with her and the rest of me just wants to go be with her. i feel like my life here should have ended ages ago. my soul's moved on and it's just my body left behind. the body cant surive without the soul. I'm sorry to all my friends here reading this but there's nothing anyone can do to help me. i'll either be able to move on and continue to live or i will not. you've all helped as much as anyone can so please don't feel bad or regret anything if anything happens. if i get this job it will increase my chances of surviving by alot. If i don't, it will properly be signing my own death warrent. either way, by the end of next week i'll know whether i want to live or not.  

In memory of family and friends who have lost the battle with cancer; and in support of the ones who continue to conquer it! Re-post this in your LiveJournal if you know someone who has, had or has been affected by cancer. 93% won't even take the time to copy and paste this. Will you?


To my mum

Bloody Doctor who! stop making me cry!!!!!! :(

Hi all. I got my car. it's a rover 600 and it's white so it's hiding in the snow at the mo lol. Speaking of snow it's getting really bad outside, nearly crashed getting home tonight. i have work tomorrow and if it's still this bad i'm walking the 3 miles. Yes i could call in sick but i wouldn't do that to my workmates.

I hope everyone has a nice christmas or holiday and a happy new year. We're not doing anything this year, no one feels right. i'll be getting drunk and opening my present on world of warcraft this christmas, much better than real life ;-)